"You should just leave."
"You should have hit him back."
"Well, it's kind of her fault for staying in the relationship."
"She should have known that would make him mad."
These are things that I have heard said to and about women who are in abusive relationships. I have always had a sense that blaming the victim was not useful or appropriate, and yet I too wondered why abusive men do the things they do, and why women often choose to stay in these relationships.
As a student at Southern Utah University, I had the chance to complete an experiential learning project to help myself and my fellow students to gain valuable experience during our college careers. Seeing an opportunity to learn and to serve, I decided to start volunteering at my local women's crisis center. Before I could start volunteering, I underwent an intensive 24 hour training on domestic violence, where I learned much about the dynamics between partners and how and why abuse occurs. For example, we were taught in the training that abusive men choose to abuse because they desire to have power and control over their partner. Before this
training, when trying to understand why abusive men do the things that they do,
I have often blamed it on them enduring a hard childhood, etc. Now I realize
that they choose to abuse. I now believe that a perpetrator abuses because of
his internal values and beliefs, not because external events force him to do so.
In volunteering at the shelter, I had the opportunity to work in the office, to spend time with the women in shelter, to play with the children in shelter, and even to teach a couple yoga classes for the women!
I would encourage anyone to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Whether you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or even if you just want to come to understand how things like abuse can happen, this is an excellent book that puts the responsibility for abuse squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator.
It is very fortunate that there are resources like women's shelters to assist those in need in our communities. Places like this depend on a team of volunteers to keep their doors open. Studies have also shown that individuals who contribute some amount of their resources (time, money, etc) to making the world a better place feel more optimistic about the state of the world, rather than simply feeling that the world is a mess. So, with that in mind, I encourage all of my readers to get involved in your communities, whether at a crisis center or elsewhere. Our efforts do make a difference, and help to bring peace and healing to the world.
